5 reasons why I regard sex with a vampire highly unsexy

I’m into almost all kinds of fantasy. Except vampire stories.

If you have a different point of view than mine, I’d love to hear your version!

Here are my thoughts:

I love to read and follow what other women are currently writing in the fantasy genre. I read it partly to support them, partly to be inspired – and of course, perhaps most importantly, to read about dragons and villains being slain by awesome, confident and hopefully even talented female characters who are fully dressed and clever. So I recently searched Amazon for some new, intriguing female fantasy writers, and this book cover is what really popped out from the screen and slammed me in my face as it almost screamed for my attention.

It won. I saw it. And I’m a little bit visually traumatized.

Vampire King

Seriously?!

The picture even says, almost like with a deep, hoarse voice: Look inside…

Do YOU want to take a look inside? Inside of what, exactly?

Vampire romance (Read: vampire porn) seems to be a new, strong-living genre. Now, don’t get me wrong. I really do think that it’s awesome that there are books out there for everyone and for, uhm, every need and want. But seriously? Vampires? I love fantasy stories with all my heart! But vampire porn is like the one thing I just don’t get. I find it awfully disturbing and profoundly unsexy.

Here are my top 5 reasons to never EVER have sex with a vampire.

1. If I had sex with a vampire, I’m sure, like in “True Blood”, he would bite me.

I hate needles. I hate pain. And just for fun he would BITE me with razor sharp teeth?? To me, this sounds more like a method for torturing people than a method for relaxing and having fun!

Instead of saying “oh yes”, I would be like: “Oh, stop it, stop it, I know who died last summer, I’ll tell you everything, just please stop!” Or even better: I would be like Buffy, just with more clothes on and less make-up and I would slay him.

2. After he bit me with razor sharp teeth he would presumably also drink of my blood.

I cannot stress this enough. Bleeding once a month for five days is something I just do not enjoy. Like not at all. And then, to be forced to bleed every time I had sex? Please! No thanks! Forget the dizziness and the fact that I hate bleeding – if I would have to loose that much blood that often, I would much rather give blood to blood banks that actually save lives. I’m just not the type to bleed for enjoyment. I bleed for fertility reasons or for lifesaving purposes.

3. The male I would be in bed with would, because of the blood drinking, be into a kind of sex that might kill me any day. Just me.

I would be his sex fetish, his victim and his meal – he would play with my life, even want to kill me, not feeling sorry, but enjoying it. WHY on earth is this abusing stereotype seen as sexy?

The vampire would risk not his own but exclusively MY life every time we had sex – and again, I’m sure he would love it. Is it only me, or does this seem indescribably selfish and unequal? Since when is deadly selfish the new sexy? Even if vampires were real and there were like no human men left on earth, we should not date vampires. A guy who has a strong urge to kill me every time I have sex with him is like even worse than dating a psychopath. And psychopaths are really horrible. Don’t date psychopaths, either.

4. So if the vampire played with my life every time we had sex, we might also assume that I LET HIM, which would mean that not only he but also I would have serious mental problems.

This plot just gets worse and worse. If I had sex with a vampire, it would mean that I would agree to let him want to kill me and to let him dance on the verge of actually killing me through drinking my blood regularly. I would have to get at thrill by almost being killed by violence. I would have to love being abused instead of having an equal partner. I would have to be at least partly suicidal. Or I would have to hate myself so much that I wanted to become a completely different creature and actually hoped that the guy would change me into one. This is wrong on so many levels. Just no.

5. Even if all of the above were true for me, I would still be human and he would still be a vampire, which means that his fishy skin would feel cold like the inside of a foggy window pane when it’s frost outside of the house.

Who would hug THAT? I already have cold feet all of the time in the winter and I need to wear thick socks to keep them warm. I hate freezing! And to cuddle with a guy who would make me freeze even more? How could I ever relax while having sex with something literally ice cold? It would be like hugging an ice statue and I would risk never feeling warm again. Sorry, Edward. It’s a deal breaker. It just is. But I heard that this awkward girl Bella is free.

To get back to the cover – the Amazon text above the picture unfortunately (and amusingly) says to take a “look inside”. Inside of what, exactly?

And WHAT is on the inside of a vampire anyway? He doesn’t digest, he doesn’t need a heart and he doesn’t need lungs filled with air. Is it like a void? Empty space to be filled with blood and lust? Does he even have internal organs? And how come his stomach doesn’t look like the stomach of a starved person?

If I had a boyfriend like that, for heavens sake, he would NEVER get to bite me. Or even touch me.

He would have to praise himself lucky if I would once a month (tops) toss him one of my old tampons for his cold cup of tea. And in that case, I guess he would be better off without me.

Agnete

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5 thoughts on “5 reasons why I regard sex with a vampire highly unsexy

  1. As a huge fan of vampire romance, I read your post and realized just how kinky the whole genre is.

    And honestly? When you put it like that, I really can’t explain the appeal. Maybe figuring out why vampires are sexy should be my next post…

    Like

  2. Oh, that post would be really interesting! Let me know if you write it, I’d love to read it. 🙂
    Perhaps it has something to do with the fantasy of engaging with someone who is strong and dangerous?

    Like

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